Thursday, June 9, 2011

World's Best (almost) daughter...otherwise known as Odysseus

The only difference between my travels this week and Odysseys's 10-year long adventure was that he was trying to get home to his family and I was trying to buy cigarettes!  Both were fraught with dangerous places, questionable characters and temptations beyond imagine... Odysseus was successful, I was not.

I little background before I begin my story... My dad has always smoked More cigarettes, at least as long as I have been alive.  I'm not even going to go into the whole smoking vs. not smoking issue. If 30 years of my nagging and 18 years of his grandkids telling him how sad they are that he's going to die because he smokes cigarettes hasn't made him mend his ways, I think we've pretty much done all we can.  Anyway, went to Idaho last summer to visit and the very first day we are all sitting out on the patio socializing and Grandpa Bud lights up... A horrified and shocked silence descended on the backyard!  Grandpa Bud was smoking some sort of plain white cigarette! (John still insists they were Eve's!)  Well, the whole family just sat there in stunned and puzzled amazement until I broke the silence, "What the hell are you smoking?"
Apparently thanks to those "God-Damn Democrat Commies" in Washington, Mores were priced right out of poor downtrodden, persecuted Grandpa's budget.  He would buy a carton and ration them out, smoking "knock off Indian cigarettes from the reservation" in-between.  So for Christmas as a joke, we sent him a carton of cigarettes so he wouldn't have to suffer the indignities of smoking those "pu**y cigarettes"  when he went down to the local bar.

Fast forward to yesterday... Often when we have company  when I make up the guest room, I put a picture from the guest's last visit in a frame and leave a chocolate on the pillow.  But, this was Grandpa Bud, no stinkin' chocolate for him, cigarettes would be just the ticket!...  I began my odyssey early in the morning after all I had plenty to get accomplished.  3 long, hot hours and 10 stores later I would have sold my first born for a carton of Mores, hell I would have given her away for a pack.  I went to Giant, Bloom, Safeway, 2 Gas stations, CVS, a liquor store, the BX, the Commissary and the Class IV store.  There were no Mores to be found, nary a one.  Still haven't found any (except on a Russian website that seemed questionable at best) so...I bought a bottle of Vodka.  Best. Daughter. Ever!

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